When you think too much

Let me tell you about my most recent visit to brigade road. For the uninitiated, it is one of those happening roads on Bangalore. You get to see the young crowds , visit the most happening restaurants, shop for anything under the sun and soak in to the true vibe of the city. It is one of the roads that I thankfully know.
Anyway on my recent visit here I couldn't help but think that I didn't belong here. It could be because I was old. Or that I didn't have a mandatory boyfriend holding my hand. Or that I wasn't dressed for a party or night out . Or maybe because I wasn't furiously shopping and hopping in and out of cafes. Or perhaps because my parents were right beside me complaining about the roads, the rain, headache and what have you.

This melancholy and Bangalore's amazing weather can do wonders to your already depressed psyche. You begin to think, and as anyone who has ever been depressed will know, thinking and a sad state of your mind will push you further down the path of despair. My mind raced finding all kinds of imagery, of me walking with my friends, carefree, one of these innocent partakers in this grand festival. Time spent wandering aimlessly, in public eye and yet anonymous, just one of the crowd. I have noticed that people have always wanted to stand out in a crowd. It is evident by the way they dress, talk, try to express themselves. I on the other hand have always yearned to be a part of it. One could say that I have been successful in this mission, however I think that I am not there yet. At times like these , where I am yet again just one person standing and observing all of you walk, talk, laugh, heady with the joy about what day of the week it is, what you will do today or tonight, how amazing and great your spouse, friends, family are - I just stand there, forgetting I have all of these things too, that I am also as Alive as any of you. I just stand for those few microseconds, listening and watching everyone from the small huff a lady with a decathlon bag gives, to the men staring at all the women who walk past them, to the teenagers heady with infatuation (it cannot be otherwise) looking into each other's eyes, stepping in all the wrong places, to the tired eyes of the bus, cab, auto drivers, to the blank stares of the poverty stricken. I see them all. And in that microsecond, in that moment I feel the loneliest I have felt in a long long time.

My parents suggest we come tomorrow to shop and have fun. I immediately refuse, and see the hurt in my mother's eyes. She thinks I don't want to hang out with them. That isn't true. It's just that I don't want to come here, not when I feel like I don't belong. I hate that.
With each passing day, all I think about is about where is my life taking me. It's like a well from which I cannot climb out. I feel isolated, more lonely than i could ever imagine being. People who I am close to seem to be moving far away. People who I didn't really think about before are the ones I am being forced to think about and manage.

Isolation? Bliss? Ignorance? Missing out? I can go on and on. These thoughts consume me and I worry that I might make decisions just based on what I see. Reacting to the environment if you will. Maybe I should just stay an observer forever. Or I could get into the thick of things and get busy like everyone else seems to be.


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