Another post about dying sooner, with a good dose of depressed thoughts

This post is for me, and me alone.

I sit here, thinking - something I have been avoiding for a long, long time.

I am frightened, I realize I have never been left alone, with no task on my mind for a decade or so.

Yes,  yes I used to stay - home alone, quite happily and was calm, watching cooking shows, bouncing a ball or reading. But without tasks? Without something to do? Not anymore.

For now I am anxious of the time trickling by, of missing out, of procrastinating splendidly. Even one hour spent dilly-dallying is riddled with anxiety of the tasks to come. Of the work I was missing out on. Turns out, the responsibility that so many people I know (indeed some of them far far younger than I) adore and worship and take upon - is not my cup of tea.

My anxiety makes me stay up later, watching whatever I can get my hands on, reading fantasy and escaping into worlds that are not mine. For dealing with my world in my time is horrifying. Is this what it means to grow old? Or is it just escaping the inevitable?

I see small wrinkles and dark circles on my tired face. Is this all it takes to grow old? Constant worry? That constant voice on the back of your head that doubts everything you do? That questions every choice you make? That bemoans everything wrong that MIGHT happen?

I am dying sooner. I have however, lived through 28 years as well. Not how I would have liked it, but I wish that changed. If not now, then would I?
And how would I?

So many questions. So many instances of watching our mortality, our pitifully short life (cut even shorter by expectations) pass by - and yet no solution at hand.

I have rambled enough! Needless to say - this post is for me, and me alone. So that I might look upon it the next year, and laugh, laugh at my foolishness, laugh at my "deep" thoughts and hopefully never think this way again.

I hope I learn to enjoy time as I had before. Back when I had the time to think.

Until next time,
DragonRider