Chirpity Chirp

Beware!

Beware of the shadows that go rickety-rick in the night.

Some people (a.ka., people who have heard me) might think I am silly to fear them so. But I know this isn’t true!

I ask you, fellow human to imagine this –

You are there, sitting somewhere, or standing or dancing. You are focused, (or not) or chilled out. You are obediently minding your own damned business. You aren’t hurting a fly. In fact you are feeding a whole ecosystem of microorganisms by your very existence inside you.

Then in the utter chaos of your mind where thoughts range from ‘Hey, I wonder what’s for dinner today?’ to ‘I can’t believe I have so much to do and its weekend already! Let the party commence?’ to ‘I must overcome distractions and begin working’ to ‘What is the meaning of our existence? What is time? What is life? Why is MasterChef so addictive when all they do is show food and not how to make it?!’ – you hear a little chirp. It’s not a pleasant chirp. It’s a sadistic call that alerts you to the presence of …. It.

You wonder what it is. You let it go until it chirps again. You dismiss it. You are DOOMED.

The next time the chirp comes, you feel it’s much closer. You feel like it might be travelling and let it go. And there suddenly you spot it! You tell yourself – Okay. I am okay. It’s harmless. Look! It’s trying to jump out the poor thing.

And that’s when it senses your attention and turns towards you.

(By this time I start having those instinctive distant calls my frantic brain starts making – Run you moron, save yourself! – but like the clichéd horror movies I so love, I go toward the source of panic rather than away).

So I stay right where I am. Experience is a useless teacher here. Usually when such a creature is in my vicinity it is better to remove myself from the situation ASAP. But curiosity didn’t kill the cat for nothing. I sit there in the hopes that this was a misunderstanding – yessir it was! Would appreciate if you saw yourself out, thank you very much – but hey! Who are we dealing with here?

With absolutely no warning at all,  it will jump. Straight into your face. Like staring at it offended the damned thing.

Oh and that’s when you dive for cover. And upon looking again you will find it jumping randomly for a time before settling down. So u calculate all possible trajectories based on how it jumps and get a newspaper or a cloth to capture the thing and throw it outside.

And then all hell breaks loose.

See it isn’t enough that a grasshopper or cricket can hop pretty high. No. They were given WINGS to help them FLY.

So the blighter decides to FLY this time, and it goes flying to the most obvious target – YOUR FACE.

There you are, poised, ready to safely dispose of the minor inconvenience, and after a few seconds there you are, trying to save your body while screaming like a little girl.

‘But it’s so little!’, you might say. To you I can only say this – What if it bites your face? What if worms its way in like those aliens in Aliens? (Pardon the pun) What if it gets in your clothes and jumps around and bites you while there? And it doesn’t do it out of confusion – no, I am convinced that it chooses its target and chalks out an elaborate plan, rubbing those stupid feet of its in glee while doing so.

Human – you have been warned.  

Do not let its green colour fool you – It is the colour of evil aliensssss.

Do not let its chirping lull you – It is plotting your demise.

Do not let it seeeee you – It will certainly make sure to jump on you instead of all other places.

Beware the Grasshopper – the most evil of all bugs.

Beware the Cricket  - its dully coloured cousin.

Beware the Locust – because those buggers are scary as hell.

I hope you are still alive. May you stay so.

PS: I thought it would be informative to have you folks look at them to appreciate what I was saying. So I took the liberty of making a few memes.

PPS: This has nothing to do with the fact that all members of these species jump on me every time I happen to look at them. It also has nothing to do with the way they suddenly fly, or jump with no warning or are usually big and creepy. 

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these images. I wouldn't dare go close enough and actually click one of these horrid things. I thank the poor souls who did click these.