Friendships when you are old

I seem to be sad about something. I do not know what am I sad about. Perhaps time will reveal the true reason.

Today, I was lying down doing nothing. (it's been a while since I have done anything of the sort.)
Ignoring my father's well timed sarcastic comments about how unproductive and useless I was, I wondered what was I going to do on weekends, now that college would soon come to an end. And I waited for my mind to supply something. I couldn't paint - my father felt it was a personal offense to do something so useless. I couldn't just listen to music - My parents hate the music I love, and I cannot just sit the whole day and listen to music, headphones plugged in. I couldn't read - because I have a brother who thinks that is a waste of time (Boy am I ranting about my family today! They are awesome and all that, I just can't see it right now! Must be vent-out-to-random-people day).

So, I waited and waited for some new idea to come to me, some new half-baked project to pop up in my mind, some thought that would consume me with google searches for the rest of my year! (all of these would only last a day, but still). Nothing came to me. My brain, which used to be quite dependable before, had betrayed me. (Ah the pains of being old. The older I seem to grow, the dumber I seem to get)

Then I thought - why, I would simply do what I have been doing for the past few years! Hang out with my friends!

But how long will that last? a tiny voice in my head whispered. So I started making a list of all the friends I have in my mind, hoping to know how long do I have to enjoy their company. (I use fingers. Don't judge). If I were to count my brothers out, I am left with 0 - from school, 0- from college, 0- from old work friends, unsure - from E-city. And that means, I cannot hang-out with anyone anymore! I have nobody! Now some of you would say - Come on, you will make new friends! you will keep in touch with some of your old friends! It will be alright!
Some of you would say - You will have a family of your own someday soon. You wouldn't have time to think about this sort of nonsense anymore! (People saying that will usually be detaching themselves from a screaming kid. Even if you don't have any, that's how I imagine you people.)
And yet some of you would say - Your own company is the best you can ever have. You can read, laugh, sing, dance, eat whatever you like - nobody would ever stop you from doing what you want! You would truly be free! What else could one want in this day and age of hurried unproductivity! This is your chance to not be the rat in the race!

But do I really want that? That's something I asked myself. Can I really look for random people, and hope they become friends - as thick as I had for a brief amount of time? Could they really be like the old ones I had, listening to all the childish things I said, the offensive stuff I sometimes spout, and actually make valid points against me? Could I find people who I wouldn't have to be careful around and be myself with?  I don't think you can, the voice whispers, and sounds scared.

Then I think, would I want to spend all my time, looking after a family? Would I want my day to begin with them and think about them all the time, and get back home to them again? Family must be release. They must mean you are getting back into your circle of comfort. They must mean you can unwind, hide a few things that aren't necessary for them to know, talk about yourself a little, listen and sleep - safe and sound. Not dedicating all waking and sleeping hours worrying about it's "well being". Besides, wouldn't spending all your time with a fixed set of people stress you out more? They say familiarity breeds contempt. Isn't this the exact recipe for that?  To me this sounds like a cage, from which there is no escape - neither physically (and worse) nor mentally.

I also thought about the third option - being alone. Maybe it is nice to do whatever you wanted, whenever you felt like it. Maybe it would be great to just pack up a bag, and walk away into the horizon without a care in the world. Maybe it would be great, not to ask for permission, or get opinions about what to do, where to go what to eat, or talk about. But are you going to be happy that way? Happy?! I thought about this hard. And I must say, no. I may like spending hours together talking to nobody, reading what I want. I may like going out for lonely walks. But now that I know what it's like to spend time with people - people so different, all of whom I could spend hours listening to, sharing my thoughts with, knowing I am still their friend, knowing they will accept me for who I am - maybe not like it all - but still acknowledge me as my own person, laugh at my bad jokes (sorry about that) - I feel melancholic. I feel like I want that. I want to hear them say what they wanted to. I want friends, (not family, or relationships or random strangers, but friends) who know me, love me (atleast I hope they do. I know I do) , and want to spend their time with me, ranting about all of our tiny problems in this wide world.

So, I guess friendships get more profound when you grow older. And retaining old friendships becomes a task that very few succeed in. And making new friends while not daunting, seems like an effort that might be wasted since it may not be what it's supposed to. And the train might go on... on it's set track - with it's carriages only holding haunting memories, the people having left long ago....

Until the next time
DragonRider