Dumb Dumber

Hello Reader,

I have something of a confession to make. I am dumb. I see some of you thinking I am out of my mind, some of you agreeing, some of you rolling your eyes thinking duh! I have to go with the guys that agree with me. I am dumb. I used to think (a decade back) I wasn't, but now looking at myself, I can't help but think how dumb I was.

How do I explain it? There used to be a time, when time itself was slow. Everything seemed easy, life was chilled, effort was something not for me. I loved the slow pace, and acquired a taste for it. Never did I have to wake up, hurry, make decisions on the fly - in other words, I have never had to do anything hasty throughout my long pathetic life. Every decision could be postponed and then I could just blame fate on it. I didn't have to experience anything drastically new. I could just relax.. The world was going on, so would I.

Slowly, the world started working faster, faster, till it was a blur to my useless eyes. I started developing stupid mechanisms to deal with things, like pretending to be an emo/goth hybrid (ughhh), and then later giggling and laughing for everything that was being told(This is me even today. Just thinking about myself makes me want to barf). What changed? No idea.

Do I want to know? I am scared. I don't even know whether I want to explore that side of me. The whole giggling for everything is so much more easier, than sitting down, realizing that this is what I have become (or perhaps always was). I can't even imagine punching myself and mentally trying to lift this fog that has now become a part of my brain. I can literally feel this curtain that hides my core from looking at the stark reality outside. Am I up for it? In the words of P, are you gritty enough to face the truth? (Lately most of what she has been writing seems to be speaking to me. I know she seemed surprised, but it's true :( )

The Fog! I could write and write and write about how it inhibits me from everything real! I don't think about anything now, everything is superficial, like the person I used to pretend I was. Everything matters, and yet nothing ever does. My mind flits from one random thought to another. Never staying, never reaching conclusions, touching upon a myriad emotions, never staying, feeling something substantial. Throughout all this is the innate urge to laugh it off, laugh this world, this insignificant tiny narrow minded world I inhibit. Laugh away everything, we are all going to die anyway.

You must think I am depressed. Maybe I am! But it doesn't get truer than this. No more Veritaserum can bring out anything better - I am dumb, I perhaps always was, I push everything of true importance away, hide from everything real, and escape , run away from life itself.

Why? Again, do I really have to go there? The mind numbing confines of my hum-drum life beckon me invitingly, waiting for me to take their bait, music to my mind, the drug to my soul, not letting me dwell on these questions, questions that surely all of you must have had, and must have made your peace with. Questions that must have shown you a path, something that has always eluded me. Questions that must have made you - you, someone you recognize when you look into a mirror. Questions that make you want to live further, sense of purpose deeply embedded in your heart where hopefully things are set in stone for eternity, rather than your mind, where nothing really matters, where every thought is to be entertained briefly before forgetting it, murdering it in cold blood.

Oh look a butterfly! Let's chase it! It's pretty!

And back to square one.


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